if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
