she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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