I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
