i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
