absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
