Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
