omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
