the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
