I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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