I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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