I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
