Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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