sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
