got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
