also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
