You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
