I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
