First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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