im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...