I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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