absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
