Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
