i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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