so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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