You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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