Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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