who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
