My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
