I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
