Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
