I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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