a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
