So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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