Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
