Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Blood and glitter go together right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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