you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
