She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
