im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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