my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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