It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
