Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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