the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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