he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I see more hoeing in ur future
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