i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
