not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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