Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
