Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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