i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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