Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
