If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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