someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
