I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
