So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
