woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize