she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
