Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
