I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
