next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
