I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
