you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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